Saying No To Co-Dependency: How To Set Boundaries For Yourself

Around the world, mamas are a one-man show, juggling every responsibility that gets in the way. Whether it’s tackling a full-time career, keeping the house in order, or parenting the children, we gladly take on more and more. 

But, in saying yes to all, we forget we can and should be saying no!

With the help of my therapist, I realised I was a co-dependent individual. And no matter how much I believed otherwise, my co-dependency was an anchor sinking my ship. If you’re in the same boat, you need to break free from co-dependent behaviours and learn how to set boundaries for yourself!

What does co-dependency mean?

Co-dependency is when you excessively rely on other people for your own emotional or psychological well-being. In other words, you become co-dependent on someone when you care so much (dare I say too much) about them that you attach yourself to their problems and hardships. 

Like I did, you might believe there’s no such thing as caring too much— or even that you’re not co-dependent— but here are some statistics about this:

• 90% of Americans demonstrated codependent behaviour.
• 76% of women met the “high to middle” classification for codependency in a survey.
• One in four people in Australia exhibits signs and symptoms of codependency. 

Does co-dependency harm your mental health?

Yes, co-dependency harms your mental health in more ways than one. Despite having a stable relationship and career, a house to my name, and an excellent social life, I was miserable, and my therapist helped me discover that this sadness was stemming from my family’s lives. 

I was so intertwined in their problems and had distrust in letting go of their lives, that it was taking away the positivity from my own successes. And in doing so, I realized it was not selfish to let others live their life and uplift them from the outside instead of becoming co-dependent with them. 

Of course, this wasn’t an overnight transformation, and letting go of that iron grip was hard on its own, liberating yourself from co-dependency can do wonders for your mental health.

What are boundaries?

Everyone knows what the word boundary means but rarely do you know what a boundary is. According to a psychologist, boundaries are “knowing how to separate your feelings or ‘stuff’ from someone else’s.” To start setting boundaries with family or anyone else, you should consider:

• What are your preferences in behaviour and actions?
• What are your dealbreakers?
• What are your limits? 

And in doing so, you’ll be able to contemplate your current relationships and identify behaviour or actions that have caused you emotional stress. 

P.S. Setting boundaries with family came to me in many shapes, and if you want to hear the details, tune into my podcast episode on how I set boundaries and liberated myself!

How to set boundaries for yourself

Before this blog post ends, I know it’s hard— even for mamas— to know where to begin. But I’m here to help you with that. Here are 5 golden rules you can apply to your life and learn how to set boundaries for yourself: 

1. Identify your comfort behaviours

What are things you’re comfortable with? What do you prefer? What is a type of behaviour you won’t tolerate? Asking yourself these questions can help you identify your boundaries clearly and will let you analyse people who are overstepping these boundaries. 

Remember, boundaries apply to your immediate family, in-laws, friends, and even colleagues!

2. Choose quality over quantity

Having fewer friends than others can give you FOMO, I get it. But it’s always better to have a smaller circle of supportive, and life-long friends who will be there through the ups and downs. When you set boundaries, you will identify many close friends and family members who have breached those boundaries and it’s okay to create a distance and focus on relationships that are nurturing to your needs. 

3. Learn to say no

In saying yes to others, we say no to ourselves. For example, if you say yes to that family gathering which will leave you feeling stressed throughout the day, you’ve said no to your mental peace and rest. Whenever you’re presented with an opportunity that would make others appreciate you more, think again about your own feelings.

Are you going to feel good doing it? Or is this too much on your plate? If it’s the latter, there’s no shame in saying no!

4. Schedule “Me Time”

Is your calendar always booked with doing things for x, y, and z? Try putting yourself in there as well because you deserve your own care! 

So here’s what you should do: Just like you have your tasks on your calendars, schedule a few hours of “me time” where you do things you enjoy. This can be your hobby or simply a nice, cozy nap. That way, you don’t let others overbook you and you can take yourself just as seriously as you do others!

5. Practice Mindfulness

Mindfulness and meditation can bring you the calm in calamity when you least expect it. Many mindfulness strategies on the internet take as little as 2 minutes of your day, making it the perfect self-care activity to indulge in. When the world feels stressful and out of balance, practice mindfulness and watch those worries disappear. 

Final Thoughts

Learning how to set boundaries for yourself is not like building a wall. It’s a continuous effort and it doesn’t separate you as a selfish or cold-hearted person. We can care for others without sacrificing our own happiness. 

If you’re seeking a community of positive and supportive women who are on the same path as you, come join us in our Facebook community. It’s a safe and beautiful space in which we inspire and uplift each other as we make mompreneurship a reality together. 

If you want to learn more in a relaxing and (dare I say) entertaining way, tune into the Legacy Building Mamas Podcast.